Writes Save the Date reader Kendra:
I'm 23, and my boyfriend is 27. We've been together for a year and are living together and planning on buying a house together soon. My boyfriend's been asking me to look at engagement rings, but I've never been the girl who dreams of picking out a ring and planning my dream wedding. Also, his parents have been asking him when we'll get engaged, and frankly, it's all making me nervous.
I know I love him very much, but I feel like it's too soon and I'm being pushed. I'm scared of the commitment. I'm also very close with my family and might want to live closer to them. How do I explain this to my boyfriend without ruling out an engagement entirely and ruining our relationship?
Here are my thoughts:
It sounds like you need to put the brakes on your relationship and do some serious soul-searching—before you buy a house with this guy. Some people are ready to get married at 23 and some aren't. Clearly you fall into the latter category, and I don't think that's a bad thing.
First off, you need to figure out how important it is for you to live close to your family. If you really want to move home and your boyfriend wants to stay put, then I'd say it's time to move on, literally and figuratively. Otherwise you're going to wind up resenting him, especially if you have kids together down the line. (Nothing made me want my parents around more than becoming a parent myself.)
If you can agree on the geography, then I think you need to have a heart-to-heart about your relationship timeline. There's no shame in saying, "I love you and I want to be with you, but I want to settle into our relationship a little more before we talk marriage." If that is, indeed, what you want, then I think you need to hold off on buying a house together, at least until you're ready to get engaged. Saying "I'll make THIS huge commitment with you but not THAT one" is sending mixed messages. And—not to get totally unromantic—it's probably not a smart move financially, unless you have tons of spare cash. (From a legal perspective, getting out of a mortgage is probably way harder than getting out of a marriage.)
All of this said, I don't blame your guy for pushing an engagement. He's older and you do already live together, so I can see how he'd think you guys are on the fast track. If you don't want to derail your relationship, I think you need to speak up sooner rather than later, and give him what you feel is a reasonable timeline. "I love you and I want to be with you, but I want to give our relationship a little more time before we lock it down. Let's enjoy living together for this year, then start talking marriage in 2015." If you're not sure whether you can commit to an engagement in 365 days, I'd say the answer is no.
Oh, and if you don't want to pick an engagement ring down the road, no biggie. Ask him for something simple {Guys like the symbolism of an engagement ring, in my experience } and put the money toward a down payment!
Ladies, what do you think? Should Kendra go ahead and get engaged? Or hit the brakes?
Have a wedding-y dilemma of your own? Email me!