When you look back at your wedding, you remember lots of things: the gorgeous sunset; the look on your guy's face when he saw you in your gown for the first time; who was there. And...who gave you what?
The New York Times talked to a woman who got married in 1994—and who still remembers the guests that neglected to give the newlyweds gifts.
Says Lisa Kaas Boye (an environmental lawyer who's now 48 and the mom of two): "One of our groomsmen, a childhood best friend who was already quite famous back then, forgot to gift. So did a studio head. So did one of my favorite directors. I cherish every wedding vase, every serving utensil, every time I use them, recalling the gifter and the best night of my life. Then again, while I’m filling up a wedding vase with flowers from my yard, sometimes I wonder, How could those miserly moguls have forgotten us?"
And—according to the NYT—Boye isn't the only one. Jodi R.R. Smith, an etiquette expert, says: "You could talk to a 98-year-old woman and she won’t be able to tell you what song she danced to at her wedding, but she can tell you who didn’t give her a gift." In fact, Smith says that between 7 percent and 10 percent of guests fail to give the new couple a gift.
OK, so is that insulting? Uh, it can be! Usually, the lack of gift-giving is an oversight, or just due to forgetfulness. Still—as a bride, when you have spent months planning and hundreds of dollars per guest so that everyone has a tasty meal, cocktails, and an overall blast—not even getting a small token of appreciation can feel like a slap. Of course, some guests opt not to give because they can't. Or maybe you've asked for charitable contributions in lieu of physical presents, and some guests think that means gift-giving is...you know, optional.
And what do you do with guests who didn't send a gift—or at least a token? Should you confront them? Smith says...yes. But in a delicate way: "I was writing my thank-you notes and realized that I hadn't written one for you." The guest will probably either say, "But I sent you that silver platter set on your list"—could totally be legit; stores can screw up!—or get that look (you know the one) someone gets when they've been caught. In which case, Smith suggests just moving on to a new topic and seeing if a gift card shows up in the next few weeks.
Meanwhile, Peggy Post of the Emily Post Institute says to take the high road...and just let the matter drop.
But what's your take on the etiquette on this? Would you be offended if a guest never gave you a gift—or acknowledged your wedding in any way (besides attending)? And what would you do?