Writes Glamour.com reader Sasha:
I am in my early 20s. I’ve been dating the same guy for nine years and I do plan to marry him, but I was not ready for a proposal, which he knew. Three months before my birthday I was really depressed about my career and my life in general, and I flat-out told him not to propose because I wasn’t ready yet. I told him many times.
So I was shocked when, in the middle of the night one night, he gathered some friends and family members and proposed. I said yes, because I love him.
But I feel like he was totally dismissive of the proposal that I wanted—and the fact that I didn’t want a proposal at all right now. I had told him in the past that when we got engaged I wanted both of our families there. When the proposal that I got went down, three of my siblings weren’t able to be there, and his family was sleeping. (He told me they’d be too tired for a middle-of-the-night proposal—So why did he propose in the middle of the night?
I feel like everything on my calendar is fast-tracked now. I’m not ready to be engaged. And he knew that.
Getting engaged was a big deal to me, and the timing mattered. I want this engagement to work. I love my boyfriend. He is kind and funny. He’s the only guy I want to be with for the rest of my life. But we’re only days into the engagement, and every time I think of the proposal it pains me. I want to move on, but this hurts. Help.
Here are our thoughts:
You don’t want to be engaged. You said that to us more times than we can count, so lord knows how many times you said it to him. You also don’t want to marry someone who is incapable of listening to you and taking your feelings into consideration. There are a lot of things in life that will be outside of your control, but choosing when to get engaged—especially if you know you don’t want to be engaged right now—is one of thing you should have a say in.
The only way to make this guy listen to you is to break off your engagement—and take a break from the relationship. This isn’t the type of hurt that you’re going to be able to magically overlook—it’s not like he got you red roses instead of your favorite color—and if you ignore it you’re just going to wind up resenting him. Not a good foundation for an engagement.
It’s great that you love him, but you need to love yourself enough to take a step back and say, “If we’re going to be in relationship, we need to be equal partners. When you’re ready for that, let’s talk.”
Planning a wedding (and being married and having kids) involves a lot of give and take by both parties. You don’t want to be with someone who takes, takes, takes. You’ll never be able to control someone else’s actions, but you can control your own reaction. You can’t make this guy listen to you, but you can refuse to be with someone who ignores your wants and needs. It doesn’t matter how “kind” this guy is in other scenarios. Not listening to you is flat-out mean. Break up with him.
This post has been updated to change identifying details.
On a happier note, here are wedding dresses and engagement rings from the last 100 years: