We’re big fans of wedding etiquette—and rules, in general—but in some cases, the rules are null and void. This is one of those cases.
Writes Meagan:
My fiance and I were planning a big, traditional wedding with 150 guests for October of this year. But this month we found out that my mom, who has been battling cancer for the past three years, only has a few months to live. It’s very important to me for my mom to be involved and present on my wedding day, so we’ve moved the wedding to April of 2016. Our original venue is booked that month so we’re going to host a reception at my parents’ house, which really can’t accommodate more than 40 to 50 people, especially if the weather is bad (we’re in Columbus, Ohio) and we can’t use the patio or backyard.
My plan was to cut the guest list drastically, keeping it to around 40 guests, but my mom is trying to insist that we invite more people so friends that she cares about can be a part of my wedding.
I want to make her happy but I also want to be reasonable. Some of my mom’s friends have offered to throw me shower. Would it be in bad taste to accept their offer if they’re not invited to the wedding? I would ask for it to be a gifts-optional party after the wedding. Or someone else (a friend or family member) could host a shower before the wedding, again, gifts optional, with the understanding that not all of the shower guests could be invited to the wedding. Or my groom and I could host a post-wedding party so we could celebrate with people we couldn’t accommodate at the wedding itself.
I want to include everyone—and, again, I want to make my mom happy—but I really want to limit the size of the guest list on our wedding day to avoid potential disaster.
Here are our thoughts:
Etiquette just doesn’t apply here. Your main objectives are to make your mom happy and to have a wedding that makes you as happy as possible during a terrible time.
I think your first step is to go to your mom’s friends. Explain that you just don’t have the physical space for them to be there on your wedding day, but you want them to be a part of the celebration because it’s incredibly important to your mom. You can ask, “I know it’s not ‘proper,’ but would you be offended if you were invited to my bridal shower even though we can’t invite you to the wedding? I wouldn’t expect gifts, I’d just love to have you be a part of my wedding in some way.” (And if it’s easier to email this, go for it. Again, etiquette, shmettiquette.) My guess is that they’ll offer to host the shower. And if they don’t, ask a family member to host a small-as-possible shower before the wedding, and offer to help in any way you can.
I don’t think you need to test the maximum capacity of your parents’ house on your wedding day. That would be wildly stressful (and likely uncomfortable) for you—and probably your mom, even if she can’t see it that way now. In the worst-case scenario—your mom’s not feeling well and there’s a snowstorm outside—everyone’s going to be miserable. You don’t want that for yourself or your mom. Or your dad or groom or your guests.
I don’t think you need to host a second post-wedding celebration. You have a ton going on right now, and hosting a big party after you host a wedding isn’t going to make your life any easier. Of course you want to make your mom happy, but you need to do that without driving yourself insane in the process.
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