It’s been a while since we’ve had a guy write in with a wedding-y dilemma, and this one is a doozie.
Writes Eric:
I’m just a guy trying to do the right thing for the woman who made me realize love is real. My girlfriend has already told me that she doesn’t care about the size of the diamond—or whether there is a diamond—she would marry me tomorrow at the courthouse just as long as we could spend the rest of our lives together.
I feel the exact same way, and I want to surprise her with an engagement ring—and a wedding. I bought the ring, which cost $9,000, and now I’m trying to set it up so I can fly her family out (we live across the country from them), ask her dad’s permission, propose, and then we can get married the day after I propose. My focus now is on the ceremony because I know it’s important that her family be there. Of course now getting her family in town is costing more than the ring, and I don’t want to seem cheap. Thoughts?
Here are our thoughts:
As far as the engagement ring goes, a $9,000 ring won’t make you look cheap—especially to a girl who’s said she doesn’t need a diamond. (The average cost of an engagement ring in 2014 was $5,855, according to a survey by The Knot, so you’re well above average, if that makes you feel better.)
But we do have to toss in our two cents as far as this next-day wedding goes. From a legal standpoint, you’ll need a marriage license to make things officially official, and in some states you have to wait 72 hours after you file for a marriage license to legally say “I do.” So the timing could be an issue, from a practical perspective.
And from the girl-who’s-planned-a-wedding perspective we have to say: Just because your girlfriend said she would marry you tomorrow at a courthouse, that doesn’t mean that’s how she wants her wedding day to go down. You mentioned that family is important to your girlfriend, and helping plan their daughter’s wedding might be important to them. If you’re calling all the shots, your girlfriend won’t get to try on wedding dresses with her mom or choose her own bridal bouquet. She and her dad won’t get to pick their father-daughter dance song, and her big sister won’t get to throw her a bachelorette party.
There’s a chance that none of that matters to her or her family, but it feels a little selfish to not give them a chance to participate in traditions and rites of passage because you’re the wedding puppet master.
Here’s a gentler solution: Go ahead with your original plan, but don’t force the surprise wedding. Invite the family to town, ask the dad, get down on one knee. Then you might say, “You know we could get married in two days if we got our marriage license later today.” If she seems super enthusiastic, go ahead and head to the courthouse, you crazy kids.
But if she flinches or looks like a deer in headlights, don’t force the issue. Take the family to a nice dinner and call it an engagement celebration instead of a wedding.