![reader-dilemma]()
Writes Save the Date reader Stella:
I got engaged last weekend and couldn’t be happier. My dream would be to get married in upstate New York in October of next year, surrounded by beautiful foliage. The problem is, the majority of our friends and family members are from Long Island. My parents—who are paying for the wedding—think it’s inconsiderate to have a wedding where people would need to travel that far (two to three hours) but they’re OK with Montauk, New York, a beach town that's about 30 minutes closer than upstate. (So no pretty fall foliage.) They’re making me feel like if I have my wedding upstate, half my wedding guests won’t even show up.
In other annoying news, my brother recently got engaged and is planning to get married in September of next year. Or, a month before my dream month. Some of my family members have said I’m “crazy” to have my wedding right after his. They’re suggesting I wait another full year, so my wedding won’t be compared with his. (His budget is much higher than mine.)
The whole thing has already caused a rift between me and my mother and it hasn’t even been a week. The excitement of being engaged is already wearing off. So am I supposed to give up getting married where I want, in the month I want, and in the year I want? Should I let go of my idea dream wedding to keep the peace?
Here are my thoughts:
From where I’m standing, you have six options.
1) October 2015 in upstate New York. PROS: You get what you want on all counts. CONS: Your parents are pissed off. Your guests have to attend two weddings for one family in two months. A bunch of your guests might not attend. (I’m sort of inclined to file that under PROS, since you’ll save a bunch of money.)
2) October 2016 in upstate New York. PROS: You get your dream month and dream location. CONS: You have to wait an extra year to get married. Your parents are pissed off about the location. A bunch of your guests might not attend.
3) October 2015 in Montauk. PROS: You get your dream month and dream year. Your parents are happy about the location. CONS: You don’t get your dream location. Your guests have to attend two weddings for one family in two months.
4) October 2016 in Montauk. PROS: You get your dream month, but a beachy wedding instead of a rustic country one. Your parents are happy on all counts. CONS: You have to wait to get married. You don’t get the location you want.
5) April 2016 in Montauk. PROS: Your parents and guests are happy. CONS: You give up everything you want, but you get married close-ish to your dream month without piggy-backing on your brother’s wedding.
6) April 2016 in upstate New York. PROS: You get your dream location. Your guests don’t have to attend two weddings for one family in two months. CONS: You give up your dream month. Your parents aren’t happy about the location.
I think option 3 is probably your best—getting married when you want but conceding on the location. Yes, a wedding upstate would be lovely, but I think you could also do rustic seaside wedding with an equally awesome vibe. Your parents will be happy that you’re not being bull-headed, which is nice, since they’re helping fund your wedding.
Yes, your family members will have to attend two weddings for one family in two months (and possibly closely spaced engagement parties, bridal showers, and rehearsal dinners too) but they’ll probably be grateful that they won’t have to spend a ton on travel. And if any or all of that is too much of a financial or time commitment, they can always bow out. Wedding invitations (and bridal shower invites, etc.) aren’t subpoenas, I like to say. They’re not obligated to attend any of it.
As far as being compared with your brother’s wedding goes, I wouldn’t sweat it. Every one of your guests at some point has probably been to a wedding far fancier and far less fancy than yours. If you and your groom are happy and relaxed and in love and having fun, that’s going to make a much more lasting impression than expensive centerpieces or a steak entree.
Ladies, what do you think? What should Stella do?
Have a wedding-y dilemma of your own? Email me!