Writes Save the Date reader Kate:
Right after I got engaged, my mom was pushing me to make decisions about my wedding, so I caved to the pressure and hastily asked some friends to be my bridesmaids. And now I'm having serious regrets about asking one of them.
Julie and I were best friends throughout grade school and high school, but in college we had a major falling out and didn't speak for four years. About a year ago we got back in touch, and instead of testing the waters, we jumped right in and decided we were best friends again. So it made sense then to ask her to be a bridesmaid.
But since then, our relationship has sort of fizzled. After the initial excitement of reuniting, I'm starting to realize that we have nothing in common. I feel like she doesn't enjoy my company—she's always getting mad at me for small, weird things—but we're both forcing it because now she's in my wedding. She's barely even an acquaintance at this point—like, we'll pretend not to see each other to avoid awkward conversation. I'd like to ask her to step down as a bridesmaid, but I don't want to cause a rift or hurt her feelings. Help!
Here are my thoughts:
This is exactly why I tell newly engaged couples to avoid making any wedding decisions until the season after they get engaged. So if you get engaged in the summer, hold off on asking friends to be in your wedding party until the fall. People change, relationships change, and after the high from yelling "We're engaged!" wears off, you might decide as a couple that you want to have a small wedding party—or even skip the wedding party altogether. You're never going to regret waiting to ask people, but I know loads of brides who wished for a smaller wedding party after they'd already done the asking.
As far as your situation goes, I think you need to decide if you want this friend in your life or not. Your relationship seems tenuous, so if you kick her out of your wedding party, there's a decent chance you'll never speak again. And that's OK. Sometimes relationships run their course and it's easier for all parties to move on. If you're OK with that happening, just say, "I'm happy that you're back in my life, but I'm starting to realize we may never be as close as we used to be. I feel like we're kind of forcing the bridesmaid thing, so if you want to step down, I totally understand."
If you make it her decision (instead of saying, "I don't want you to be a bridesmaid any more"), she'll likely feel better about the whole thing. If she does step down, I think you have to offer to reimburse her for the cost of the bridesmaids dress, if she's already paid for it.
And if you'd like to continue working on your friendship, I think you have to keep her in your wedding party. I'd just make sure her involvement is peripheral {Don't ask her to join in all-night wedding crafting sessions, which can test even the strongest friendships. }, and when you get together, focus on low-pressure activities that aren't wedding-related, like going to the movies.
Ladies, what do you think? Should Kate kick her friend out of the wedding party? Or deal with the consequences of her overzealous asking?
Have a wedding-y dilemma of your own? Email me!