Writes Save the Date reader Taylor:
My boyfriend and I had been living together for a year when he proposed on Christmas with a 4-carat engagement ring. I was clear when we moved in together that it was a step toward marriage, not a perma-roommate situation, so I was thrilled when we got engaged. So here's the problem: Every time I try to talk to him about our wedding, he says I'm pressuring him and we get into an argument. He says we will get married when and where he wants and that he wants to surprise me. Please help.
Here are my thoughts:
Well, that's obnoxious. I mean, for what it's worth, your guy's intentions might be good. But his actions are just gross.
It's possible that he just really likes surprising you and has dreamed up some really grand wedding plans that he thinks you're going to love. But he needs to let go of what he thinks you want and listen to what you actually want. And it sounds like you DON'T want a surprise wedding. And that's OK. Honestly, I don't know many {or any } girls who would.
If you let him throw his surprise wedding—and I don't think you should—you're setting the precedent for him to bulldoze your opinions for the rest of your marriage. Want to redecorate the living room? SURPRISE! He tricked it out with animal heads! Want to go on vacation? SURPRISE! He already planned his your dream golf/camping trip! Want a new pet? SURPRISE! Meet your 150-pound sheepdog-rottweiler mix!
Both people come into a marriage with preconceived ideas about what they want. Rory decided long before we met that one day he was going to have a daughter named Chaya (after his great-aunt's Hebrew name), but then I came along and said, "Oh, hell no." And we picked our daughter's name together. (Clara was that great-aunt's given name, so I took his wants into consideration too.)
I think you need to say to your guy, "I appreciate the fact that you want to plan a surprise wedding, but I don't WANT a surprise wedding. I want a wedding that we plan together. And I want to start planning it now." If he starts whining about feeling pressured, put your foot down. Explain that you don't want to get married tomorrow, but wedding planning takes time, and you're ready to start planning your future together. If he's not ready to start planning your future, frankly, I don't think he wants to be a part of it. Which means you need to move on and find someone who does.
Ladies, what do you think? Should Taylor let her guy plan a surprise wedding? Or should she put her foot down?
Have a wedding-y dilemma of your own? Email me!