Writes Save the Date reader Kirsten:
My cousin and I are less than two months apart, and we've always been very close—more like siblings. He's about to get married, and while I want to be happy for him, I'm worried about the woman he's chosen to marry.
His bride recently told me that instead of hosting a traditional wedding, she's decided they will "sneak onto a college campus and get married real quick by their friend." Who's not an ordained anything, I should add. "I don't want any of the family there," she told me. "It's just going to be us, my best friend, and no family at all." She said after the ceremony "everyone else" would be invited to their house for food and gifts. When I asked her why they were essentially eloping, she replied: "It's a battle of wills between me and [his mother] and I refuse to lose. I don't like her, so I'm determined to exclude her." It seems strange, to me, that she'd want to start their life together on such a spiteful note.
I understand why people have small weddings, but I can't believe she's refusing to include my cousin's parents and his little sister. That, and she has the audacity to ask for gifts. Tacky! My cousin says he doesn't care, but I think he's just trying to prevent a total freak-out by his bride. (She has a nasty temper.)
So here are my questions: 1) Can I say something to my cousin about how his bride's decisions are making the rest of the family feel? 2) Am I obligated to give them a gift? (The bride has made it clear that "the thought" definitely does not count, but I don't want my money funding her appetite for cheap liquor and RedNek Wine Glasses.) 3) Is there any way to politely bow out of the reception? As much as I want to be there for my cousin, I don't think I can stand watching his bride get drunk and start slapping him, which she did at his birthday celebration.
Here are my thoughts:
As I've said in the past, a wedding invitation is just that: an invitation. It's not a subpoena. You are in no way obligated to attend. So if you don't support the marriage, don't go to the wedding. (Or the "reception," as it were.)
I'm assuming your cousin is in on the wedding plans, so I'm not sure if speaking with him is going to improve the situation. You could say something to the effect of, "Not being a part of your wedding ceremony is really going to break your parents' heart." But I suspect he already knows that.
As far as gifts go, again, there's no obligation. But personally, I can't imagine getting an invitation (assuming they're sending invitations) and not sending something. So in this case, I'd get a not-too-spendy gift with your cousin in mind. Maybe a gift certificate to his favorite restaurant or tickets to a sporting events you know he'll enjoy. (Sure, neither is a traditional wedding gift, but this isn't a traditional wedding, to say the least.)
Ladies, what do you think? Should Kirsten boycott her cousin's wedding? Should she speak up? And does she need to give a gift?
Have a wedding-y dilemma of your own? Email me!