Writes Save the Date reader Madeline:
I've been dating my boyfriend/best friend for more than five years, since I was 19 and he was 22. In 2009 he moved in with me and my mom, and we all still live together for financial reasons.
In other not-so-great-for-the-relationship news: He has a full-time job and I'm in college full-time, so we're both busy—and at this point we're in a mostly sexless relationship. I'm the only one who initiates sex (or even kissing) or romantic things, like date nights. I've tried almost everything to amp up the sex and romance, but most of the time, nothing works.
Despite this, I know my guy loves me. He says it every day. And I know I can trust him and tell him anything, because he really is my best friend. He also does nice things for me. He helps me cook. And he'll help me clean up a mess, even if it isn't his. He also never looks at other women. He says he wants to get married someday. But he hates kids, while I love them, and "someday" isn't the timeline I had in mind. I want us to be married and ready to have kids by the time I enter graduate school.
So I guess I have three questions: Does it seem like my boyfriend's still interested in me at all? Is five years too long to wait for a proposal? Is our relationship—not agreeing on a marriage timeline and whether to have kids—even worth taking to the next level?
Here are my thoughts:
Hoo boy. Well, to answer the easy question first, I don't think five years is necessarily too long to wait for a proposal, especially since you started dating when you were a teenager.
Still, I'm not sure you'd want to accept a proposal from this guy if and when he finally gets around to pulling one together. The sexless relationship is definitely a problem, and it doesn't seem like one he's willing to work on. I understand that your lives are busy, but—reporting live from my thirties!—they're not going to get less busy as you get older.
Sex stuff aside, I think the kids issue is your biggest problem. You used the word "hate," which gives me impression that he's NEVER going to want kids. And I feel like you do. You CANNOT marry this guy hoping that he'll magically change his mind or you'll be able to talk him into babies. And you can't marry him hoping that you'll "get over" the baby thing. It's fine if he doesn't want kids, ever. People who don't want kids shouldn't have 'em. But if you DO want them, you deserve to have them. And your marriage isn't going last if you resent the hell out of him.
Of course the loving each other and the being best friends count for something, but it sounds to me like you have a really great roommate, not a life partner.
So you need to sit this guy down and ask him exactly where he stands. (I like to save hard conversations for long car rides.) I think you need to ask, point blank, "Do you plan on marrying me?" Assuming the answer is yes, explain that for the sake of your sanity, you need a better idea of his marriage timeline. If he says "someday," insist that he give a more specific answer. "Does 'someday' mean two years from now? Five? Ten?" If he gives you an answer that you can live with, then you can move on to the topic of kids. "Are kids completely out of the question for you? If having kids is important to me, is that a deal-breaker? When would you be OK starting a family?" (The last question is important, because you don't want him to agree to having kids, then brush you off for a decade.)
If you get all the best-possible answers—"Yes, I want to marry you. Within the next two years. And I want kids, but not for five years."—then you need to address the lack-of-sex thing. It sounds to me like he might be depressed, because regular "busy-ness" is not enough to keep most guys from having sex, especially if the girl is initiating. I think maybe individual and couples therapy might good for both of you. Clearly you have a lot on your mind, and your relationship's going to need some work if you want to get it back on track.
Ladies, what do you think? Should Madeline stay with this guy? Or is it time to move on?
Have a wedding-y dilemma of your own? Email me!