Writes Save the Date reader Lindy:
Some backstory: Several years ago I had a relationship that was a little bit scandalous, when I started dating a man who was recently separated from his wife. That relationship fizzled, and I'm now engaged to another man.
Following my engagement, I asked one friend to be my matron of honor and a childhood friend to be my maid of honor. Both accepted. My childhood friend is a divorced mother. After she accepted her role of maid of honor, she started having an affair with the husband of another childhood friend (that couple is still married and has kids), and now she's pregnant by him. He won't leave his family, so she's cut him out, but she's planning on keeping his baby. She doesn't believe in abortion, and she's had numerous miscarriages on top of other health issues, so she's worried this might be her last shot at pregnancy.
So clearly my maid of honor has a LOT going on, and I don't want dealing with my wedding to add stress to her life. Plus, I figured it would be easier on her to save money for her baby (and possible legal fees, if the father wants custody) rather than paying for a bridesmaid dress and chipping in for my shower, etc. So I asked her if she'd mind being demoted to a bridesmaid or maybe just doing a reading, and she freaked.
My maid of honor has always been a loyal friend, but she's also always had a jealous and vindictive streak. Add to that pregnancy hormones and she's acting kind of bananas. When I asked if she'd want to step down, she took it as a personal attack and went off the rails about MY past affair, saying that I couldn't judge her. There's no being logical or reasoning with her right now. And I'm worried she's going to do something nutso at my wedding.
So do I go through and demote her? Leave her as MoH? Or cut her out entirely and lose a friend? I knew wedding planning would be stressful, but I don't want THIS to be what's stressing me out.
Here are my thoughts:
Whew! Well, I think you need to decide whether you want this friend in your life going forward. Personally, I try to steer clear of people who are vindictive and jealous, and I'd be crushed if a close friend threw mistakes from my past in my face. I mean, we've all screwed up, but when you're planning a wedding, it just seems kind of cruel for your friend to harp on an old relationship. I also wouldn't break bread with a person who I thought could potentially sabotage my wedding.
If you DO want this friend in your life, despite her shortcomings, I think you have to leave her as MoH and let her worry about participating and paying. If you were feeling generous, you could offer to chip in for her dress, but from where I'm standing, it doesn't seem like she deserves special treatment.
And if you'd rather wash your hands of this friend (and her drama), then I'd just tell her you've reconsidered and you don't want her in your wedding party. Brace yourself for her to flip again—you're DEFINITELY going to get an earful—and then let her go. Cut off communication and don't send her an invite to your wedding.
Sadly, I don't think there's a happy medium in this scenario.
Ladies, what do you think? Should Lindy keep her childhood friend as MoH? Or cut her out?
Have a wedding-y dilemma of your own? Email me!