Writes Save the Date reader Carla:
My boyfriend and I got engaged earlier this year but decided to hold off on my engagement ring for financial reasons and frankly, because a having a ring isn't that important to me. We set our wedding date—December 31, 2014—and were fine with our no-ring-for-now decision, but because there's no ring, part of my family feels like we're not actually engaged. I come form a large, close family, and their attitude hurt my feelings, but I let it go because the status of my ring finger isn't really anyone's business.
Anyway, we picked our wedding date because we love the idea of having a New Year's Eve wedding, and because the date is significant in our relationship. So here's the problem: One of my sisters-in-law just reconnected with a recently engaged half-sister who lives across the country. The half-sister picked the same wedding date I did and asked my sister-in-law, niece, and nephew to be in her wedding. (My guy and I aren't having family members in our wedding party.)
So now, because my family doesn't consider me officially engaged, they're asking me to change our wedding date. Part of me (a big part) wants to keep the date, even though it will mean excluding my brother and his family. I know this will upset the rest of my family, and I would like to have everyone there for my wedding. I'm really at a loss. What should I do?
Here are my thoughts:
Eesh. First of all, the whole "you're not REALLY engaged" argument is silly. You've committed to spending your lives with each other and you're planning a wedding. I think that's the very definition of "being engaged." So we're just going to proceed as though you're engaged. Because you are.
So now I'm wondering: How change-able is your wedding date? If you've already booked even one vendor and will face financial penalties for bailing on your contract, I'd say that strengthens your argument for keeping your date. (Even though, more than a year out from your wedding date, you'd probably lose only a couple hundred dollars, so it's not the end of the world. But STILL.)
If keeping your wedding date is THAT important to you—and it sounds like it is—then I say don't change it. If I were in your shoes, I might ask my brother to stick around for my wedding while his wife and kids head to her half-sister's wedding. Obviously it's not an ideal situation, but it's understandable that his loyalties would lie with his sister, while hers are with her half-sister. Of course there could be circumstances that won't allow for that—maybe the kids are very young—but I don't think it's the end of the world if your sister-in-law and niece and nephew aren't at your wedding. Will it suck for your brother to be apart from his wife and kids on New Year's Eve? A little. But everyone involved will be surrounded by family—it's not like anyone will be sitting home alone when the ball drops.
Beyond that, I guess the only question is: How pissed off will your family be? And do you care? If you can deal with them being miffed and think they'll get over it quickly, I'd stick to your guns. But if they'd hold a grudge until your wedding day and beyond, it might not be worth it.
Ladies, what do you think? Should Carla change her wedding date? Or tell her family, "No way!"?
Have a wedding-y dilemma of your own? Email me!