Writes Save the Date reader Keri:
I got engaged two months ago, and while I'm so, so happy and excited, I feel like my fiance and I are constantly bickering all of a sudden. I'm sure it's because we just moved in together and got engaged, AND, on top of this, he just go an epic promotion to a different state, so we're both moving; he's doing two jobs until they find a replacement, AND I have to find a new job.
But here's what's getting to me: Everyone keeps saying, "THIS is the happiest time of your life!" And I'm nervous because we seem to be having serious discussions and petty disagreements more than usual. Should I chalk it up to stress and try to ignore the pressure-packed statements about how HAPPY I'm supposed to be? Or is this something to bring up with my fiance—even though I'm sure it will add to his stress, which I’d really prefer not to do? I'm know I love my fiance more than anything and that he feels the same way. We're both looking forward to marriage and I know that we're OK—but we're just fighting SO much right now! Should I be worried?
Here are my thoughts:
Ugh. In my experience, the only people who tell you that the post-engagement phase will be "the HAPPIEST time of your life!" are people who are so far removed from their own wedding that they forget how stressful planning a wedding is.* And on top of the stress of planning a wedding, you're dealing with a move, moving in together, and another upcoming move across state lines. And there are the tiny matters of his crazy-sounding new job and the fact that you, um, won't have a job when you move.
So, yes, you should be stressed. I'd be seriously concerned if you weren't!
Even for couples who don't have all that other stuff going on, the post-engagement phase can be stressful after the initial "We're getting married!" glow wears off. I chalk this up to a few things:
You're both freaking out abut the future a little. You've found the ONE person you're going to spend your life with. Yay! But wait, ONE person? For the rest of your life? To put it in perspective, if you're 25, you could reasonably spend DOUBLE your current number of years together. Even if you're A-OK with all that, it's a little bit daunting!
You've both relaxed a little. I easily butt heads with Rory more than I did with previous guys—in part because I know he's not going anywhere. Once you get engaged there's a new sense of permanence to your relationship, so you might feel more comfortable saying, "It REALLY drives me bananas when you leave your dirty socks on the coffee table." And he might ask, out of nowhere, that your stop eating EVERY meal with The Real Housewives of Everywhere rattling on in the background. Of course this stuff is petty and doesn't change the foundation of your relationship, but it might be nice to figure out a way to keep the silly annoyances to a minimum before they become big THINGS. (He could put a small laundry basket next to the couch to toss his socks in, and you could agree to three TV-off dinners a week.)
Wedding planning is f'ing STRESSFUL. Maybe you're going for a secret elopement or saying "I do" a deux at city hall. If that's the case then maybe you're not stressed. But if you're planning a decent-size traditional wedding, you're probably overwhelmed by all the venues and color palettes and dress options and I'm sure your mother-in-law has already mentioned that she HAS to invite her entire office. It's enough to put anyone on edge! And all the edginess can EASILY translate to petty bickering at home.
Like I said, totally normal! But that doesn't mean it's fun. So here's my solution: I don't think you need to sit down and have a whole big "talk" just yet, because I agree, then it becomes a THING, and the "thing" will probably just stress you both out more. Instead of making drastic changes and grand gestures, I suggest you start by making an extra effort to be nice.
Wait THAT'S my big solution?!
Yep, just go out of your way to be nice. Because in my experience, where bickering begets bickering and cranky begets cranky, nice begets nice. So if you go out of your way to be nice to your fiance, you might find that he's suddenly nicer to you.
If he's edgier than usual, cook (or order) him dinner. Pick up his dry cleaning. Walk the dog, even if that's usually his job. I'm not saying you need to become a doormat; I'm just saying try putting forth a little extra effort, just to see if that swings his mood in your favor. I think you might find that he starts being extra nice in return.
But if he keeps nitpicking and stressing, then it's time to say, "Hey, I don't really like being spoken to like that." Or, "I don't like the way we've been treating each other lately." You don't have to have a whole State of Our Union discussion, but just point out that he's kind of being dick-ish—because he might be so distracted that he's lost sight of how he's treating you.
I also think you should try to set aside one wedding-free "us" day (or "us" afternoon, if you're short on time!) a weekend so you can forget the pressure of wedding planning—and everything else—and just enjoy, say, a round of mini golf or a trip to your favorite tacos-and-margaritas shack.
Ladies, what do you think? Is it normal to start bickering post-engagement? Or was wedding planning all rainbows and butterflies for you? What would you do in Keri's shoes?
*The same people who tell you "THIS is the happiest time of your life!" post-engagement will tell you, when you have a newborn, "Enjoy EVERY second! It goes so fast." Like keeping a screaming infant who's puking all over you and won't sleep ALIVE isn't enough of a challenge. You better be ENJOYING EVERY SECOND on top of that! Double ugh.
Have a wedding-y dilemma of your own? Email me!