Writes Save the Date reader Callie:
I’m significantly younger than my boyfriend, who I’ve been dating for two years. He was married before we met, and he’s been finalizing his divorce for the duration of our relationship. I really want to get engaged, but I feel like if I ask, he’ll say, “I’m still going through a divorce!” That’s true, of course, but I feel like I’m paying for his last relationship. I’ve never been married, and I feel like our relationship is being stalled because he already has. I expect him to be mature enough not to lead me on. What should I do?
Here are my thoughts:
It sounds fishy to me, but I’m a wedding expert, not a divorce expert, so I reached out to a pro.
Magnolia Levy, a divorce lawyer in New York City, said she’s seen complicated divorce cases that have dragged on for as long as five or six years—but those cases usually involve the division of a significant amount of assets.
The word “finalizing,” however—according to my legal team (Magnolia)—indicates that the nitty-gritty details have been worked out, and all that’s left to do is wrap up the paperwork. When one of the parties is refusing to sign on the dotted line, Magnolia says it usually an indicator that he or she isn’t ready to let go of the relationship. Yikes.
I think you and your guy need to have a sit-down talk about exactly what’s going on with his divorce, so you have some idea of what kind of timeline your relationship’s on. If they’re still fighting over the details, I understand why he wouldn’t want to propose just yet. Who wants that nastiness clouding a new engagement? But if he’s dragging his feet about signing—or you know there are no assets between the two of them that are worth fighting over—it’s probably a good indicator that you need to move on. You don’t need to say, in your big talk, “I want you to propose!” But you can say, “If we’re going to be together, I need to know that we’re on the same page.” Spell out exactly when you want to get engaged, be married, and have kids. If he starts squirming or keeps mumbling about his divorce, I think you have your answer.
Ladies, what do you think? Should Callie press her boyfriend? Or pack her bags?
Have a wedding-y dilemma of your own? Email me!