I come from a long line of divorce. I didn’t realize how long the line was until I started to write this post, but here it is: My parents are divorced. My dad’s parents were divorced. Both of my parents’ siblings (they each have a sister) were divorced. (Although my mom’s sister re-married her husband. LONG story.) I have five cousins, all have been married, and four have been divorced.
I didn’t go into marriage thinking, “Hey, I can always get divorced!”—in fact, as the child of divorce, I desperately don’t want that, especially now that I have kids—but my family’s history of divorce never quite leaves the darkest corners of my mind. Is it something that’s passed down, like my grandmother’s too-wide grin or my dad’s tone-deafness? (Both of which I inherited.)
So far, no. Six years after my wedding day (which, as I recently mentioned, I barely remember) I’d say my marriage is in pretty good shape. It’s been bumped and bruised, but it’s never felt broken. It’s not what it was right after we swapped vows—spoiler alert, the honeymoon ends—and it’s certainly not what it was before babies. But it still feels right.
And Susie Orman Schnall’s essay reflecting on her 20th wedding anniversary has me hopeful for the next 14 years, and beyond. Here’s the gist: As my marriage (and your marriage) grows, love won’t always feel like “falling in love.” But the shift doesn’t mean that your marriage is over—it can mean the best is yet to come. Here’s my favorite part:
“There are times when I worry that maybe I don’t love my husband anymore. But, when I analyze those feelings I realize that’s because I don’t love my husband like I used to. I don’t love my husband the way they make love look in the movies. And I don’t love my husband by the more-popular definition of love that society ascribes to: hearts and burning arrows, intense making-out instead of watching the movie, reservations on Valentine’s Day.
“I love him like two people love each other when they’ve loved each other for almost 25 years. And though that’s different from new love and it won’t cause me to lose my appetite, match my bra to my underwear on a daily basis or present my husband with silk boxers on Feburary 14, it will cause me to realize something true and fundamental.
“That mature love is different than new love. And that’s not a bad thing. In fact, it might even be better.”
Do you worry about divorce? What do you think your marriage will look like after 20 years?