Writes Save the Date reader Mariska:
I got engaged two years ago and immediately asked a friend to be my maid of honor. We had a great time talking about the wedding and looking at magazines. But recently my fiance and I decided we wanted a destination wedding. My MOH refused to join us, which I understand, because she and her husband can’t really afford it, and now she doesn’t talk about the wedding at all.
Another friend has agreed to be my maid of honor. So do I let the original friend keep the title and the responsibilities? Or do I let the new friend take over? I don’t want to lose the original friend, but I want to have a maid of honor who’s excited about my wedding. Help!
Here are my thoughts:
I always tell brides to hold off on choosing bridesmaids until you know for sure what the job entails. It doesn’t sound like your friend thought she was signing on for a destination wedding when she agreed to to be your MOH—and I’d be a little miffed if I were in her shoes too. She probably thought she was agreeing to buy a dress and cohost a bridal shower and a bachlorette, but then she finds out she’s supposed to do all that AND buy a plane ticket—plural, if she wants to bring her husband—take days off work, and pay for a hotel stay? It’s a whole different ball game. By, like, thousands of dollars.
It’s like inviting a kid on a playdate and then saying, “Oh, but you can’t afford a ski weekend? Guess you’re not coming then.”
I get the feeling that you're mad the old friend is no longer excited to talk about your wedding. But why would she want to? Let me do you a favor here and tell you that she doesn’t want the title or the responsibilities for a wedding she can’t afford to attend. Yes, let the new friend be your MOH. But if you don’t want to lose the old friend, you need to have a heart-to-heart—and offer up an apology.
“I didn’t realize when I got engaged that being a part of my wedding would be such a financial commitment. I’m sorry that I got you all wrapped up in the wedding planning when now you’re not going to be able to join us. Of course you’re still an incredibly important part of my life.” Etc., etc.
Really, I think the best way to handle it would've been to offer to pay for all (or part) of her expenses when you told her the destination wedding news—but I think we're beyond that.
Ladies, what do you think? How should Mariska deal with her miffed MOH?
Have a wedding-y dilemma of your own? Email me!